And the hits just keep on coming!!!!!!

Maybe it just isn't meant to be........I always envisioned one day that I would walk across some stage on State's campus, in a smaller auditorium, after the big one at the RBC, and get my degree. BUt literally, every single stone that could be thrown my way, has been thrown. Are these signs for me to give up on it? Or challeneges, to make the reward more sweet?
I don't know, and I cannot tell, but I am getting very tired, very quick of the repeated NO's I keep getting handed, not to mention the "never"s and the "why don't you just try ____?" (fill in the blank with your suggestion. I have heard them all-go to Meredith, Campbell, ECU (because they have everything online), Peace, Mount Olive, and some other private school that the name escapes me now........but it wouldn't matter because all of the aforementioned private schools require one thing I don't have: MONEY! Yes, they give scholarships, and yes, old ladies die and leave them everything, but the difference is they are not meant for ME! They are meant for working mothers or single mothers, or stay at home mom's with children who have disabilities. The average Joe mom doesn't cut it anymore.
At least that is the conclusion I am coming to. IN fact, I shoudl have just stayed put at UNC. Curse that hour and a half commute! My God, I had FREE ride there-a free ride! Oh, but did I meniton I got that news THE DAY AFTER I WITHDREW?????? Yes, God does have a sense of humor, or the devil has a hell of a time making fun of me.
I mean, let me set this up for you in a nice timeline:

Summer, 2005: Decide to go back to school, apply to Wake Tech

Fall 2005: 2 on campus courses-learned how to write a paper all over again-this time with the net! Also learned how to use a TI-84

Spring 2006: 1 on campus, 1 online (first online course). Wrote a 13 page paper on the poor city planning of Raleigh. Inducted into Phi Theta Kappa.

Summer 2006: 1 online courses-practiced flashcards while toting the babies in the stroller.

Fall 2006: 2 courses online: had a huge rock collection for the kids to study-that was fun! BUt it was a bummer to study and do labs online while the kids and daddy were playing in the ocean:(

Spring 2007: two more courses online: Got an A in philosophy, I think I drank three days in a row for that one!

Summer 2007: two online courses: studied while on vacation-another bummer!

Fall 2007: full time, five courses and got the crazy idea to get involved-became VP for Phi Theta Kappa, reporter for Phi Beta Lambda, and a Senator for the SGA. What was I thinking? The best part was being in the hospital and worried about my classes and what I was missing-I even had the laptop with me in the room!
~Applied to NCSU.

Spring 2007: four classes, including golf (and I still suck at it)!
Got denied at NCSU:( Cried three days and decided I would attempt UNC. Applied to UNC. Found out NCSU denied me because of my grades from 13 years ago! Nevermind the 3.8 at WT, or the slew of alumni. One grandfather taught there for 47 years and the other one helped design the belltower for goodness sakes! Even my cousin played football for them! But, no help. Denied, denied denied!!! My only option would be to take a course in summer school to "prove" that I can do NCSU work. Hmph!
Got accepted into UNC the same weekend I had competitions with PBL. PLaced 5th in statistics in the state and received a leadership certificate.
In May, I passed Chemistry with a B and was soooo thankful! Graduated with honors, received an AA.

Summer 2008: Went to UNC summer school, began majoring in MDS-got my first C ever!!!! Was sooooo bummed! But decided to look ahead to fall.

Fall 2008: Well, I think you read how the first day went. It never got better-in computer class, the guy asked me if i had a prairie or tiger? Or soemthing to that effect....I thought he was talking about animals, turns out he was talking about the MAC-and that should pretty much give you an idea of how well I was going to do in this class:)

Sept, 2008: Withdrew from UNC on Friday. Got a $2000 grant on Monday (ah, dont you just LOVE fate), but alas, money does not change the location. The commute was brutal and UNC grants do not cover gas or wear and tear on your car.

So, now here I am, feeling like a dropout loser. I set such lofty goals, and only obtained one of them. And now the walls are just mounting higher than ever and it makes me sooo angry. All I ever hear about is people older going back to school and their stories. I just thought I would be another cool story. But not so. IN the spring I got told it wouldn't matter if I had a 4.0 from Harvard, that I could never get into State, because of my earlier grades (sheesh, haven't they ever heard of the word delete?) Then, and only because I knew this person, I got a recommendation from a Math dean, only to be told no again. I would still have to prove myself. SO, then I go crawling back, looking into the NDS program (they no longer call it LLE). I find out it would take me just as long as the UNC degree would have (three years at least) to do the math degree. And really, what kinds of jobs would they give a 35 yo who has not worked in years? When they have freshies who had computers in their nurseries? I have to be realistic.
So, I look back into the business degree-should only take me 20 classes. That's cool, right? I can just go as a NDS student, get my GPA and be admitted maybe in the spring? OR fall, if I am quick enough.
Oh wait, here comes another NO. Turns out, NCSU, and especially it's COM department, is so competitive, why would they lower their standards to take in someone with a past 2.0 when they have incoming GPAs in the 4.0 to 5.0 range? WEll, can't say I blame them on that one. So what now? Oh, here comes the Meredith/ECU response. TO which I say "I'm sorry ma'mm, without trying to sound sappy, all I want is a degree from NC State. It's where my heart is. It's not so much about getting a degree to get a job anymore, as it is to obatin one for a personal reason". Then, I get the LPS suggestion. There is a degree from NCSU you can get completely online, but the major is called" Leadership in the Puiblic Sector. Well, let the laughing behind my back ensue. As I am the furthest thing from a leader and I am the furthest thing from being interested in local government.
Oh, and (she so gently tells me) that is also highly competitive and I might not have a chance of getting into that either:) I might waste my time, even, in taking NDS classes, as the NDS program is not what is used to be, and very little are accepted into degree programs form the NDS program. So, taking classes does not improve your chances.
Okay, so now what? I spent three years killing myself for nothing?????? Good grief!

No, you will never get in. NO, you are not good enough. No, what you did is great, but it means nothing for NCSU. No, your alumni and activities don't mean squat. You are a number and your number didn't cut it.

Sigh

This all started when I called NCSU last week and was told by an admissions counselor to go back and speak with Mr. Sims. I contacted Mr. Sims and have had no response. So today I called the Distance Education deopartment and got in touch with the lady who told me I really had no chance, but I could try the LPS option. She recommended making an appointment with admissions. I contacted admissions-no response today. I also contacted a former associate at Wake Tech and it was suggested for me to appeal to the director of COM, so I should make an appointment with her. I feel like a ball being bounced around and going nowhere. At least when I was at Wake Tech, I had direction.

When adivsing at UNC told me I would have to take six adiditonal liberal arts courses, it got the ball rolling in the wrong direction and I realized I was fooling myself to think I could do this for three years. Well, maybe I should have stuck it out. BUT, I am not allowed to have regrets, so I refuse to shoulda could woulda all day. I will continue to seek this degree at State if it effen kills me! I will get a degree, I don't care what in, and I will hang it in my room, one day. ONE DAY! But before I hang it, maybe I could walk around to each of these offices and just smile.

And that, I guess, is what will make this reward sweeter........one day.